A Week of Lessons

This past week has been full of learning opportunities, and I’m not sure I appreciate the lessons I’m learning.

My Facebook experiment has been a challenge. I find myself mindlessly navigating to the Facebook home page a few times a day or checking the Facebook app on my smartphone, which underscores that deactivating my account was a good idea. I hadn’t realized how often I would take “just a quick peek” at it, which usually turned into several minutes of reading posts and commenting. I haven’t seen indications that my productivity has increased yet, but I hope I will soon.

This week has also reminded me of some less-than-desirable personality traits. I’m the kind of person that likes to be in control of a situation, and I also usually plan for contingencies. The events of this past week have reminded me that I can’t always fix everything and my attempts at planning don’t always work.

One example of this affects one of my relatives. Last week, I learned that this person is going through a tough time with a personal relationship. As much as I want to swoop in and fix the situation, this week has reminded me that I simply can’t do that. The feeling of powerlessness that accompanied that realization really bothered me, because it reminds me that I need to stop trying to control everything.

In case I hadn’t learned my lesson the first time, I also learned that a close friend is struggling with a relationship issue too. Again, I can’t really do anything to help the situation, other than give these people my love and support. That’s not easy to do since we live in different states. But even if I were nearer to them, I couldn’t fix either situation. And, it’s not my place to try. But, my impulse to take charge and fix the issues keeps nudging me toward intervening.

And, in case I hadn’t gotten the message the first two times, I received a reinforced version of that message again yesterday. Another close friend, who is in the U.S. on a work visa, works for a company that is going through a restructuring. Several people have been laid off, and this friend is worried because losing the job would mean leaving the U.S. after over a decade of being here and attempting to get green card status. If that happens, my friend has only ten days to leave the country. Again, there’s nothing I can do, but I sure want to try.

The autumn change usually prompts me to some introspection, and I certainly have a lot to think about.

My Social Disconnect

Last week, I posted a Facebook status to say that I’m deactivating my account. I have a lot of reasons for making that decision, and I’d like to touch on a couple of them here.

The first reason is to devote more time to my freelance business, as well as my creative writing. That may seem an odd choice, since so many “experts” tell writers they need a robust online presence to succeed in today’s writing industry. However, a writer needs something to promote, and I find that too much of my creative writing time is spent surfing the web or liking posts on Facebook. I start researching for my novel, and then get sucked down a rabbit hole. As a result, my novel sits waiting for attention. Until it’s completed, building an online presence is the cart before the horse.

In addition, I haven’t given enough attention to marketing and growing my freelance business in recent months. True, I have some steady clients; however, I’m the kind of person who needs new challenges and opportunities to learn new skills. I haven’t done enough with that recently, and it’s time to shake off the rust and learn something new.

Perhaps the biggest reason for the change is that I want a more authentic connection with the people in my life. Yes, Facebook makes it easy to bridge the miles, but how “real” are the interactions through it?

When I was a kid, I lived 13 miles from the town where I went to school. Most of that distance was over unpaved roads, and we were too far from the township limits to be on its water or phone networks. Since this was in Arizona’s Sonoran desert, we didn’t have a water well on the property, so my family hauled water to store in tanks for household use. That practice always made me a little “odd” in the eyes of my classmates.

The bigger oddity, however, was our lack of a telephone. This was the 1980s, when kids were glued to the phone during the summer, and really fortunate kids had their own phone lines in their rooms. Since we didn’t have a phone at all, I was often cut off from the ever-changing social circle during the summer months. While that made the start of each school year difficult (since I had to “remake” my friends each year), I learned to treasure those friends who would write me letters during the summer. I came to appreciate the importance of a personal connection as represented by an envelope in the mail.

Those experiences have prompted me to log off of Facebook so I can connect more personally with the people I care about. I know it takes two to tango, so this experiment will only work if my friends and extended family reply to my emails, phone calls and letters. Since I recognize that keeping in touch without Facebook may be challenging, I expect I’ll reactivate my account at some point. I’m hoping to stick with this experiment at least until the new year. We’ll see if that works or not.

During my Facebook experiment, I’ll still be regularly posting to both this personal blog and my business blog. Hopefully, the quality of my writing will improve if I have more time to think and write about the issues that matter to me.

Seeking New Challenges

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I’m a little stumped for a topic for this week’s post. Usually, something has occurred that I feel compelled to share and/or boast about. Even when nothing interesting happens, I can usually count on the political arena to give me fodder for a post. But this week, nothing has sparked my interest or outrage enough to base a blog post on it.

That’s a bit odd for me, since I’m one of those people with opinions on nearly every topic. And, I’m also so fond of the sound of my own voice (whether spoken or written) that I feel EVERYONE should hear my opinions. Yes, my ego is alive and well, thanks for asking.

On a serious note, I often discover what I truly think about a topic only by writing about it (either here on my blog or in my journal). That is, the act of writing about a topic helps me crystalize my thoughts and put new ideas into context with the rest of my beliefs and values. Since writing and thinking deeply are intrinsically linked for me, I’m a bit surprised that I don’t have something to discuss this week.

I’m also one of those people who crave learning and new challenges as often as possible. Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that I feel a bit stuck in a rut with my editing work. As I think I’ve mentioned before, I work nearly full-time as an editing contractor for an educational website company. I’ve had a senior editing position with them for almost a year now, and I noticed recently that the work is longer challenging. Instead, it simply feels routine, and I find myself getting bored.

When that happens, I know it’s time to take on a new challenge. That’s one of the reasons I’m enrolled in a poetry writing class. While that helps assuage my craving for a challenge, it doesn’t feel like it’s pushing me as hard as I need right now. So, I’m looking for something else to add to the mix.

Thinking about it, I get into this “I need a new challenge” situation fairly often throughout the year. While this feeling can strike at any time, I realize it’s most common in May and September. For reasons I don’t fully understand, those two months are when my need for a new challenge most likely compels me to make a major change in my life. May tends to prompt me to look for a new job, while September makes me introspective, looking for ways to improve myself (perhaps by growing spiritually). Perhaps it’s a holdover from childhood and the school calendar, but I have a feeling there’s a deeper cause behind why those two months are so significant. I just haven’t figured out the reasons behind it yet.

The Rollercoaster of Life

The past two weeks have been hectic ones, full of emotional highs and lows.

One of the emotional highs was a weeklong visit from Jen’s younger brother, Chris. He flew into New York the evening of August 31^st, and returned to Seattle the morning of September 8^th. During his visit, Jen and I took time off from work to show him around the city. We both enjoyed our time as “tour guides,” and exploring the city with Chris reminded us of all the reasons why we enjoy living here. Some of the highlights we hit included the jazz scene, the museums, a baseball game, the food, and a Broadway show. Chris also got a kick out of eavesdropping on the colorful locals during our treks around town.

Chris’s visit also brought one of the emotional lows, since our cat, Geoffrey, took ill during that week. His illness kept me home during one of our planned jazz excursions, and that illness led to a trip to the vet. That led to two days in vet hospitals, visits to a specialist, and a plethora of pills, liquids and injections. A large sum of money later, we have a diagnosis of pancreatitis linked to a chronic gastro-intestinal illness, which caused a flare-up of our cat’s diabetes. These conditions can all be managed to give Geoffrey a longer, happier life, and that’s a relief. We had to put our other cat, Maya, down last November because she had cancer. We’re not ready to be a household without pets.

I’m not sure if this is a high or low on life’s rollercoaster, but I’m a few weeks into my poetry writing class. So far, I’m enjoying the class, although the weekly lectures have underscored just how little I know about writing poetry. I’m enjoying the exercises, although I’m not at all pleased with the work I’ve produced. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m a beginner as a poet, and this class is helping me lay the groundwork for future efforts. It’s hard to keep that perspective on things, though, when I’m such a perfectionist.

The weather and temperatures are hinting that autumn is coming. While I love autumn, it’s also the time of year when things get hectic in the legal world, which means Jen spends more hours either in the office or working from home. I suppose I should be used to the rhythms of the legal calendar by now, but it still catches me by surprise each fall. I think one of the biggest frustrations about her longer hours is that autumn marks the start of the new theatre season. That means a lot of shows start up, but it’s harder for us to see them since we’re never sure what her schedule might be.

All in all, though, life in the Nichols-Simon household is going well. Life is a journey, and we’re both trying to remember to embrace the trip, not the destination.

Thinking About Integrity

This morning, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of heroes. When we're children, we have a lot of heroes. For some people, a hero may be a parent, teacher, or favorite character. For example, a child might admire a firefighter, her first grade teacher, or a superhero like Spiderman or Superman.

As we get older though, our heroes start to become tarnished. The child may learn that the firefighter isn’t that heroic or may outgrow his admiration of Superman. As adults, we assume that everyone is tarnished, everyone is flawed and we stop admiring people who aren’t “perfect.” We stop believing in the idea of heroism, and we become cynical and jaded about human nature.

I think many of us still have an idealism about what a hero should be, but real life experience teaches us that there are no heroes because a real human can’t live up to the perfect ideal. Perhaps we need to change our definition of heroism. Maybe a hero is not a person without flaws. Instead, the true hero is someone who overcomes her or his flaws when doing so matters most.

Personally, I have four people I admire greatly. Three of my heroes are fairly well-known, while I don’t know the name of my fourth hero. For those who know me well, it won't be a surprise that my four heroes are members of the gay and lesbian community. My first hero is U.S. diver and Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Mr. Louganis overcame so much to accomplish his diving records, and I admire the fact that he was flawed but still great. Anyone who hasn’t read is memoir “Breaking the Surface” should buy a copy and read it.

My second hero is Col. Greta Cammermeyer, the Army nurse who challenged “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” in the early 1990s. Col. Cammermeyer served with integrity, and her suit against the Army made her the highest-ranking officer to challenge that law. She later had an unsuccessful bid for Congress. Again, those who haven’t read “Serving in Silence,” the memoir of her service, should get a copy soon.

My third hero is Mark Bingham, one of the passengers on United Flight 93. Mr. Bingham was about my age and also born in Arizona. More importantly, he was among those passengers who rushed the hijackers and kept Flight 93 from reaching its target. I should also add that I respect his mother because she didn't let the media “whitewash” his story. That is, she made sure America knew that one of its 9/11 heroes was gay. I think too many parents would have tried to hide that fact, and I admire her for being true to Mr. Bingham’s memory.

My fourth hero is a woman whose name I have never known. However, her face is seared in my mind. Following the horrific 1989 earthquake in California when two sections of the freeway collapsed onto one another like pancakes, she was regularly shown on the news walking that stretch, tears streaming down her face, searching for her “friend.” I don't know if it's true, but I've heard in the years since then that she was looking for her lost partner. Of course, no news agency would say that in 1989, and I’ve never been able to find out what her name was or for whom she was searching. Whether or not she was actually a lesbian, her devotion and her sorrow will forever haunt my memory.

These four people were not perfect. They were human, which means they made mistakes, they had flaws, and they sometimes did things that weren't admirable. What sets them apart is that when it really mattered, they were true to themselves and they faced adversity with integrity. That's a model we all should follow. I wonder how many of us would have our legacies whitewashed and “straightened up” by those we leave behind?

Creatively Adrift

This week, my online poetry writing class started. I love reading poetry, and I admire those who write good poetry. To me, a good poet is the most gifted writer because she or he can convey important information in the most concise way possible. I also love the wordplay involved with poetics, the way poets use a word’s multiple meanings in the same text.

While I love poetry, I’ve never considered myself a poet. I’ve dabbled in it a bit, which I think is true of many writers. But, I’ve never shared my efforts with anyone. I’m a perfectionist, and my work has never felt “worthy” of sharing. While that’s also true of my prose, I’m more comfortable sharing my prose works with others because I write in prose more often. And, I’m opinionated. (Hence, this blog.)

My poetry class requires us to post poems for our instructor to review each week. Twice during the class, we’ll also post poems for our classmates to read, which terrifies me. However, I’m trying to approach this class with a willingness to take risks. That’s because Jen recently reminded me of an article I read about a year ago, which talked about how many people aren’t afraid of failure. Instead, they’re afraid of success. That article was a bit unnerving because I saw a reflection of myself.

Because of that article, I think my fear of this class is prompted by an opportunity for growth. That is, my terror at writing and sharing my poems could be a fear of success, meaning this is a step I ought to take in my writing life to become the writer I want to be. Since that could be possible, I’m trying to face my fear in hopes that some growth and improvement as a writer will be the end result. Keep your fingers crossed this works out.

Fast Food Insanity

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In the past couple of weeks, social networking has fueled a brouhaha over the fast food chain Chick –fil –A and the owner’s public stance opposing same-sex marriage. The company has donated large sums of money to groups opposing same-sex marriage, based on the owner’s interpretations of Christian doctrine.

In response, liberal groups organized a boycott of the company, while conservatives planned an appreciation day, in hopes of boosting the company’s sales. Conservatives positioned their event as a “free speech” issue, claiming that liberal activists were trying to deny the company owners Constitutionally guaranteed freedom of speech and religion by boycotting the company.

The claim is patently absurd, although many on the left would be only too happy to deny free-speech rights to conservatives. Of course, conservatives are equally ready to permanently gag the left. No one active in politics can remember that we’re Americans first and political ideologues second. Since both sides of the debate are equally rabid and ridiculous, I won’t address the absurdities they’ve been spouting.

My issue about this entire debate comes from the political arena. Various elected officials in different cities and states have taken sides in the debate over the company and its activities. The mayors of Boston and Chicago announced that they would actively oppose any attempts to open either corporate-owned stores or franchises in their cities. New York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn originally supported these kinds of stances, but she later revised her comments, indicating that she is only siding with New York University students who are petitioning to close the only location in New York City, which is on the NYU campus.

I read a brilliantly worded Op-Ed on the New York Times by Steve Salbu titled “Let Chick-fil-A Fly Free.” Mr. Salbu’s essay argued that political figures have no business trying to keep Chick-fil-A from opening new stores in their cites, and he argues that attempts to do so are violations of citizens’ rights by these elected officials. That is, he positions his argument to say that an elected official who uses the office to suppress a business is making a choice for all the citizens, when citizens should be allowed to “vote” on the issue by either supporting or boycotting the company. His comments echo Mayor Bloomberg of New York, who said that he opposes the company’s stance but that it has a right to run its business as it sees fit.

While I think there are some holes to this argument, I agree with Mr. Salbu that citizens will vote on this issue, either by giving this company money or taking their custom elsewhere. Ironically, this isn’t the first time that Chick-fil-A has donated money to groups opposing gay rights. And, it won’t be the last. What is notable this time is that a wider portion of Americans is aware of the issue and is taking a stance. In the past, only members of the LGBTQ community and its closest allies were aware of Chick-fil-A’s business practices. In the long run, that suggests that companies like Chick-fil-A are on the losing end of history.